Abuse could NEVER happen to me.

Hey guys, today I'm gonna talk about something personal and vulnerable. Something I never thought in a million years was true or that would ever happen. Abuse. Abuse comes in many many forms. Most people think about sexual and physical abuse the most when that word comes up and rightfully so! That is a horrible and lasting form of abuse. It's also the most noticeable, and it often is accompanied or starts with a form of abuse we don't think about often, emotional abuse. Sometimes, the victim doesn't even notice that it is abuse. They refuse to think that it is really THAT bad. Even when friends and family around them are saying that it is bad, that it could lead to something worse, the abusee doesn't see it. People on the outside ask why? Why don't they just get out of it? Why don't they see it? It's easy to ask those questions on the outside. I used to be one of them. I felt like I had a good head on my shoulders and that if something was bad I'd get out, or I'd never be in that situation. But I was. Yup, I was abused emotionally, manipulated and broken down, on and off for 6 years. Anyone reading this might say that's a long time to be so dumb and stay. Not only stay but KEEP GOING BACK. Like what? and you're right! I often asked myself why?! Why are you doing this Christine! Stop being an idiot, but I couldn't help it. Something kept drawing me back and I was too weak to stop it.

It all started with dating this guy, my first boyfriend, at the end of high school. I was killing it in school and on the track; I was planning to run in college, and just everything was going right. We dated for 2 weeks and he was smothering me. Wanting to hangout alllllll the time at all hours of the night, making me feel guilty for not. He said it was normal to want to spend all hours with someone they liked and the fact I wasn't doing it meant I didn't really like him that much. So I broke it off. Not entirely though. A few weeks later after track was over, I got back together with him; it started small like that. That summer I worked 2 jobs and hung out with him until midnight or 1am and would wake up to run at 5 am the next day. Eventually this made me super sick and I was bed ridden for 2 weeks where he still came over and "took care of me." Yes, he did do some taking care of, but he wanted to be couply and be close to me and I was literally so sick, I didn't want anyone near me. He would get mad that was sick!!!! For real.

So college started and again, I didn't really have time for him. He went to school somewhere else but would often come on the weekends. Most times I felt pressured to have him over even though at the time, I would've told you I was good with it. Guys, he got mad at me for everything. I cried a lot. I'd have a track meet and he wouldn't say good luck or good job or even come to watch me run. Sometimes he would, but begrudgingly and he would only bring it up if he was in a good mood or felt like being nice. If I talked to ANY other guy for any reason at all, he would accuse me of cheating and threaten to leave me. One time my dad gifted me a new phone as a surprise so my dad shut my current one off the day before and I couldn't send texts etc and my bf got so mad even after he found out why, we fought for like 2 days about it. And when we fought, oh man. He expected to be talking about it allllllll night until he felt better. It didn't matter what I had going on the next morning, if I went to sleep (which I often did) he would get extra pissed. At that time it was better because most of these fights were over the phone and I could ignore it all.

I broke up with him during my first year of college, for like a month. Got back together in the summer, dated (the same way) until my junior year spring semester at college. By that time though, he turned 21 and things got worse. Add drinking to an already manipulative, and angry person. No good. It was spring break and I was at my moms house and my bf was staying with me at that point. He said he was going out and I was a bit under the weather so I stayed in. Apparently, he went to a friends house, got smashed, came back to my moms house in the bathroom and was so drunk could not stay on his feet. I heard him and he was a frickin mess. Gash in his forehead, dirt everywhere. He drove drunk and it showed. I screamed for my mom. He was, of course, not listening to reason. We called his parents, and the cops and once he saw the cops, sprinted away, got caught on some ice, fell on his head and was knocked out for a good 5 minutes. I called 911 and they brought an ambulance. He refused to go for the longest time and finally went. He cursed everyone out at the hospital, and was so violent, they finally had to sedate him. This was the most embarrassing moment up to that point in my life, little did I know it would get worse.. I eventually left the hospital to sleep and after that I lasted in the relationship a few more months and broke it off. I then dated the nicest boy ever and was broken up with the other for a year. The nice boy and I were just not clicking, so I broke it off and of course the first comes crawling back into my life somehow. Let me tell you how dumb I was. I believed God put him back in my life for a reason, and do you know how I found him? Drunk, needing a ride home because his friend left him. And I thought God wanted that for me?! I know. I was crazy. I wasn't super close to God that year, so how could I know about what He wanted for me. When you aren't in relationship with God, or anyone for that matter, you cant know his will. So I was very wrong, but, I learned a lot. God saved me in my disobedience. We dated again.... this time for over 2 years. I moved to Kansas and eventually he came with. He got a job, got fired, had some drunken episodes, he was not driven, we were not connecting, just cohabiting for some odd reason. One day I had enough. He was not even trying to further his life, just stayed home all day and didn't even clean the house, cook or anything! I worked all day and late some days, and was taking classes online and running. I came home after a long day. He was drunk, and lying about it. I told him to get out and he flew into a rage, threw and broke things, punched holes in my wall, threatened to kill himself, even pulled a knife out, he called me a lot of bad names and finally someone called the cops. I went to talk to them and he took off. The cop assessed the damage, had to press charges, told me if he came back to call. He did, and I called. He got arrested all the while cursing my name. That was the last time I saw him. That was the worst night of my entire life thus far, and way more embarrassing than the first incident with him. I called my dad first thing and he came up the next day. I wasn't sad that I lost the relationship, I was over that when he started throwing things, I was sad about the way it ended. Honestly though, if it didn't end like that, I don't think I would've ever gotten out on my own. God used a really bad situation to help me get out into something much better. He saved me. Again. A couple months later I found the best roommate to move into a new place with. We moved and it has been great ever since. I switched to a great new job and am getting closer to my goals and dreams better than ever before. I kept saying no to God and everyone else when they told me to leave that relationship. I believed I could make a difference in his life, but I couldn't. He has to do that for himself. He tore me down, built me back up, told me lies, tore me down again, and just completely exhausted me. I disobeyed God, but he still saved me, He still took me, and he has and is giving me something amazing. Emotional abuse is just as bad as physical, you just can't see it. It also often is a precursor to it. I believe if I would've kept going it would have been an "accidental" push or slap to the face. If you are crying more than you are laughing, get out, and if you can't right now, know there are people who care and know what you've been through or what you are going through. There is a way out. I got lucky. You can too. God loves you. He will always love you no matter what situation you've gotten yourself into. This is just my story. There are many more out there. I thank God and the neighbors that called the cops everyday for saving me that night. I understand it's hard to get out. You've invested so much time and you love the other person. They know everything, maybe you even have a child with them. It doesn't matter. They are not worth the abuse. Dig deep and be brave. I got you.

Bless up,

Christine